The Woodbridge Dog Disaster

There was an old woman in Woodbridge there was
So proper and tidy and all of them things
She would wander all day with her duster in hand
She was one of those women who clean where they stand.
And while she is at it she sings, boys,
And while she is at it she sings. (and you sing too)

Now there’s no doubt about it her house is a show
With everything proper and stowed in it’s place
And that’s why her dustbins had a shed of their own
Like a mirror each one of those bins, it had grown.
You could read every line in your face, boys,
You could read every line in your face.

Now there’s nothing the matter with tiddiness, no.
No matter with keeping your house up to scratch
But these bins were located one side of a yard
Where a Doberman Pinscher was prowling on guard.
Trained to kill if you lifted the latch, boys,
Trained to kill if you lifted the latch.

Now it’s all very well to protect what is yours
And it’s better not leaving temptation around
But a job of the dust is rewarding enough
And there’s nothing like taking the smooth with the rough.
To be savaged by some bloody hound, boys,
To be savaged by some bloody hound.

Now this Doberman Pinscher would play in the yard
And a couple of old tennis balls was his game
In his make believe game it’s himself that he saw
As the worlds only dog with a bionic jaw. (grrr)
And that’s when the garbage man came, boys,
And that’s when the garbage man came.

Now fate took a hand on this coldest of days
For his wife she had made him to wear a warm coat
And to knot up his muffler to keep out the chill
And for once in his life he had bent to her will.
And the dog couldn’t get at his throat, boys,
And the dog couldn’t get at his throat.

Now when the woman above was drawn to the noise
It’s down from a high chamber window she calls
To the dustman engaged in a struggle for life
In a middle class tone you could cut with a knife
She loudly exclaimed “kick his balls,” boys,
She loudly exclaimed “kick his balls.”

Now the dustman could scarcely believe the command
But he didn’t have time to request it again
So ignoring distinctions of language and class
He unleashed as size ten on the Dobermans ass.
And it’s eyes misted over with pain, boys
And it’s eyes misted over with pain.

Now imagine the silence that followed that blow (yelp)
With the comand the ringing on in the poor dustmans ears
And as the poor doggie lay writhing around
You could see the two tennis balls there on the ground.
And her meaning was rendered quite clear, boys,
And her meaning was rendered quite clear.

Now I’d like to explain that this dog was at stud
And the dustman was sued for the fees that he’d lost
But it’s lucky he was to escape with his life
He went home with a kiss for his poor startled wife.
Who harangued him for what it might cost, boys
Who harangued him for what it might cost

Now, if there’s a moral to be gained from this song
It’s that innocent language might sometimes sound crude
And as in the case of the carpenters mate
You linguistic inlightenment might arrive late.
And you could end up getting screwed, boys,
And you could end up getting screwed.

Stan Rogers